Defeat

How often do you feel defeated? Disappointed in yourself? Hopeless? 

Blah. 

So freshman year I go to this really great, Christ-based, private school. It’s my third year there. There’s such a great staff. I make life-long friends. We have weekly chapel. The teachers genuinely care about you, and have no trouble hugging you, encouraging you, or listening to your personal life problems. And they have no fear of sharing their failures and sadnesses of their own personal lives with you. It’s great. You just feel so comfortable there. Each class has about twenty kids. Don’t get me wrong-the kids in the school aren’t perfect, but there’s not really anything “too crazy” going on there either. No drugs or alcohol(at least ON school property, who knows what happens outside). No cussing where any teacher might be able to hear you, no drug dogs or anything like that. And you’re all comfortable like, “This is where I’m supposed to be, and I LOVE it.” 

But then one Thursday morning in chapel, one of the juniors is preaching. And all of a sudden God says to you, “Hey. Get out of here.”

and you’re all like, “Uh…hey to you too..?”

and he’s all like, “Go back to public school. Get out of here. You’re not gonna lead anyone to me by being comfortable your whole life. You have to get out.”

And you sit there for the rest of chapel trying to talk yourself into believing that God didn’t just say anything to you..you’re just being silly and delusional.

But God don’t work like that. 

So you end up going to public school for sophomore year. Without your three best friends. Without your teachers who would give their life for you. Without weekly chapel. 

And then I walk in on the first day of school. By myself. And I look up at the big ginormous ceiling and go, “Okay God…what now…”

It kind of went like that for the whole day.

“Okay God, where’s my next classroom cause I’m lost in this white house. Okay God, who am I gonna sit with at lunch. Okay God, how many couples am I going to have to see making out everyday? Okay, God, how many times does someone need to use the F-word to get their point across? Okay, God, how does this pick up line work, cause I really don’t wanna sleep here overnight?”

The two atmospheres aren’t even comparable…that’s how different they are. But I know where I am supposed to be. And I know it is here. 

I’ve mentioned this once before, but I was once told to live my life in such a way that people ask, “Why?” 

And I have been asked “Why?” I’ve been asked why I don’t cuss. I’ve been asked if I go to church. I’ve been asked why I don’t laugh at other people’s inappropriate jokes.

And I’m not saying I’m perfect, because I AM NOT. I mess up soooo many times in a day, I don’t think there’s enough numbers known to man to count them all. 

But the point is-I’m now in a place where people don’t all know why I live my life the way I do. And I want to thank my amazing Christian school for teaching me how to live that way. And I want to thank public school for giving me a chance to be asked why I live that way. 

But being uncomfortable is definitely defeating. And not just on a spiritual level. 

At private school, all of my tests had a lot of written answer questions. And at public school-everything is multiple choice. EVERYTHING. And I study HARD. I study an average of 3-4 hours for every single test that I take. 

And as I sit here at my computer, defeatedly looking at the C I just earned on my History Final, I just feel defeated. This is probably the 20th test I’ve taken this year that I have studied my butt of for, and earned a solid C. Sometimes less than a C. And I just don’t get it. I work so hard, and I just don’t understand. A lot of times I think to myself, Man I must just be really stupid. Why do I even try? 

It’s just so defeating to get a C on a test you studied so hard for, and then have friends who can ace tests that they haven’t studied for at all. It can just make you feel worthless and stupid and DEFEATED. But we have to remember-I have to remember- that there is so much more in life than the things that defeat us.

Sometimes the things that defeat us at first turn out to be great. And sometimes they don’t. 

And I guess we just have to be okay with that sometimes.